Seismic Man & Seismic Lad: A Parody Of The Lazarus Planet Event

About

This is not AI generated. This is a superhero parody story featuring Seismic Man and Seismic Lad, two original characters made specifically for this tale. This parody mainly makes fun of the ridiculous concept behind DC Comics' Lazarus Planet event.

Lazarus Planet is essentially about a magical rain storm that is giving people superpowers around the world. This is a very silly idea when you think about it, and the point of this story is to exaggerate and focus on what makes this idea so ridiculous in the first place.

Story

Seismic Lad: Seismic Man! I just got a call from the Hall Of Justice. There is magic rain falling all over the planet and giving random people superpowers. If we can't stop this storm soon, who knows what could happen?!

Seismic Man: That's it? That's the big emergency that the Hall Of Justice called us about?

Seismic Lad: Sir, I'm surprised by your tone. This is a serious situation.

Seismic Man: Is it really that serious?

Seismic Lad: Yes, random people all over the planet are getting superpowers.

Seismic Man: Doesn't that already happen like all the time? I thought like seven out of every fifty people on the planet were metahumans, dormant or otherwise. Dormant metahumans just need a near death experience to unlock their powers, and the world almost ends like multiple times a year. I'm sure more and more metahumans unlock their powers whenever a crisis occurs. What makes this rain so different?

Seismic Lad: The rain is turning some people who don't even have the metagene to begin with into active metahumans!

Seismic Man: Is that even a bad thing? We're active metahumans! If we didn't have superpowers we wouldn't be fighting the good fight to help save people.

Seismic Lad: We use our powers for good, but what stops any of these new metahumans from using their powers for evil?

Seismic Man: I don't know maybe the Doom Patrol, the Teen Titans, Young Justice, the Justice Society of America...

Seismic Lad: Look I get it! There are a lot of superhero teams that could potentially step in to stop these new metahumans from becoming villains.

Seismic Man: Honestly those teams existing should be more than enough of a deterrent for some rando who just got their superpowers.

Seismic Lad: What about new metahumans who can't control their powers?

Seismic Man: Titans Academy exists. Isn't the whole point of that place to train the next generation of heroes?

Seismic Lad: That place was destroyed not too long ago.

Seismic Man: So? Do you know how many rich superheroes there are? We could just buy a new building for Titans Academy.

Seismic Lad: What if one of the new metahumans gets a power that is a crisis level threat? Like some random baby becomes a reality warper or something?

Seismic Man: A reality warping baby? That would be a legitimate problem. 

Seismic Lad: Now you're getting it. So does that mean you are ready for us to head outside and fight that rain?

Seismic Man: Can you hear yourself speaking right now? We have seismic abilities. We can make earthquakes and stuff. How are we going to fight rain?

Seismic Lad: Uh, I don't know. Do we know anyone with weather manipulation powers?

Seismic Man: I know a lot of heroes with lightning powers and a few with wind powers. A matter of fact, I actually can't think of a single hero with straight up weather manipulation.

Seismic Lad: Oh no, is it true that out of the vast population of metahumans on the planet that none of them have weather manipulation powers!

Seismic Man: When you say it like that it sounds ridiculous. Let me check the Seismic Computer's metahuman database to see if I am forgetting any heroes that could really help us out right now.

Seismic Lad: The Seismic Computer has a metahuman database? I thought it could just predict earthquakes or something, since it is called the Seismic Computer.

Seismic Man: It can do that too. It is just called the Seismic Computer because I'm Seismic Man. Everything in my Seismic Lair is named like that.

Seismic Lad: Huh, I guess I never noticed the theme until now. I guess Seismic Lair sounds cooler than the Arrow Cave.

Seismic Man: Green Arrow renamed his lair to be called The Quiver.

Seismic Lad: Then I take back what I said, that sounds cooler than Seismic Lair.

Seismic Man: Shut up, I'm trying to search the database. So far every weather manipulating metahuman I've seen in the database is a villain.

Seismic Lad: Do we know anyone with umbrella powers?

Seismic Man: Umbrella powers? That is the silliest thing I've ever heard in my entire life, and I've had a conversation with Condiment King before! 

Seismic Lad: I know it may sound like a far-out idea, but think about it. What is the main tool that mankind has used to help protect themselves from the rain for centuries?

Seismic Man: You think the solution to this big threat that the Hall Of Justice called us about is just to use umbrellas?

Seismic Lad: Okay, when you say it like that it sounds ridiculous.

Seismic Man: Why can't people just stay inside, use an umbrella, or wear a slicker or something? I honestly don't think magic rain is worthy of a crisis.

Seismic Lad: Maybe this is what we've been waiting for. This crisis may sound silly, but clearly the world is taking it seriously. If we can stop this storm, we can finally become A-list heroes.

Seismic Man: A-list heroes! We could be on the Justice League.

Seismic Lad: The Justice League died not too long ago.

Seismic Man: I thought they came back.

Seismic Lad: Most of them did, but then they didn't reform the league.

Seismic Man: That's an odd choice, but whatever. If we were A-list, we could start our own Justice League.

Seismic Lad: That would be awesome!

Narrator: Seismic Man and Seismic Lad put their heads together and came up with a brilliant plan. Together they raided one of the Penguin's abandoned bases and stole a seemingly endless number of umbrellas. They then passed these umbrellas out to the people of there city and told the heroes of surrounding cities to do the same. Word spread and soon everyone in the entire world had an umbrella to help protect them from the magic rain. Seismic Man and Seismic Lad celebrated their victory. There celebration was cut short by a call on the Seismic Phone from Batman. Seismic Man seized the phone without hesitation. He knew that this was his opportunity to finally become an A-list hero.

Seismic Man: Hello Batman, this is such an honor -

Batman: Why didn't you disarm the umbrellas?

Seismic Man: Excuse me?

Batman: The threat of the storm was that it was giving people all over the world superpowers. Why would you give everyone on the planet one of Penguin's trick umbrellas? Each umbrella has like five unique functions. Some of them have flamethrowers, retractable swords, grappling hooks, shurikens, excetera. You essentially made the situation worse by giving everyone highly sophisticated gadgets.

Seismic Man: I mean gadgets aren't the same as powers.

Batman: Yeah I know. They're better.

Narrator: Batman angrily hangs up the phone.

Seismic Lad: So what did Batman say?!

Seismic Man: Uhhh, I think we might be in trouble.

Narrator: Did you think the Lazarus Planet event was wild and crazy? You haven't seen anything yet! Tune in for our next exciting event: Umbrella Universe! A twelve part mini-series that promises to change the landscape of the DC Universe forever!